Husband by my side, Baby on the hip, God in the center; My Life

Sheep just follow...

2009-11-03T05:43:00.000-08:00

I'm amazed at how little research people do on things that effect their health and body. I've always been cautious of vaccines, but it seems now that this pandemic of paranoia has crept into the homes of millions and people are just accepting things to be true.

First let me tell you of my experience. After Emma had gotten any shot she became very different within 24 hours and stayed like that for up to two weeks. She would not interact the same, she wanted to sleep instead of play, she had a hard time focusing. I realized this was going on, but I trusted my Dr. when she told me if had to be from a different source. When it came up on her 6 month shot, I had extreme reservations. I wanted to tell the Dr. we are stopping these vaccines, but I chickened out against my gut feeling. Emma got her shots and within a few hours started having involuntary shaking episodes, it scared her and she would scream and try and tense her body while they were going on. There was nothing I could do to comfort her during these 'spells'. They continued for hours. I called the Dr. and she said it was because the area was sensitive and it tensed up. I told her it wasn't just the area, she looks as though she is having a seizure. She asked if she had a temp, and I told her she had it was 99.9 degrees... a low grade fever, but a fever none the less. We went to bed, and I had Emma sleep in my bed with me so I could keep an eye on her. She continued these episodes during the night, right out of a dead sleep. She'd wake up thrashing and screaming. In the middle of the night she started vomiting like I have never seen anyone vomit before. That stage quickly passed. She had a fever, so I gave her tylenol, and a cold cloth, and that brought it down some. When I tucked her back in bed with me I noticed her skin had bumps. She has a bit of eczema, so I thought that's all it was. A couple of hours when she had another spell, I turned on the light and she was completely broken out in hives. I was furious at this point. She was fine, happy and healthy until she got her shot and now her body was going CRAZY! I called my Dr. and demanded that she take a look at her. When we went she told me that Emma must have a little virus that is not due to the vaccine, and she would be fine. I couldn't believe this. I know my child, I know this was NOT normal. I've seen Emma sick before, and this was not sick.. this was a reaction to something, and the only thing that had been added to her environment was the vaccine. I was mad at myself because I should have listened to my gut in the first place. But I will never let her have another shot, and that experience has given me the boldness to stand up for my daughter.

Since then I look into ingredients in vaccines, and although I am blown away by some, most are the same preservatives and additives in our everyday food and drinks. One is not, and it is a toxin and is not found in our bodies, in fact our bodies are not suppose to have any traces of this in our system at any time. We can't break it down, and it causes neurological damage and many diseases. It's called Thimerosal- it is 50% mercury (ethyimercury). Russian biochemists did a study on this and found that those injected with thimerosal developed brain damage years later, they also found that it had caused tubular necrosis and nervous system injury, including obtundation, coma, and death. As a result of this study Russia has banned this from vaccines. Since then so has Austria, Japan, Great Britain, and all of the Scandinavian countries. So, what is it doing in our vaccines? We know that scientists know this toxin is very dangerous we also know it acts as one of the best preservatives because it kills fungi, bacteria, growing cells, etc. However, as regulated as we think our health system might be concerning vaccinations, if big pharma and all these other pharmaceutical companies are aware of the dangers of these ingredients-just because I said there are others that are found in our daily life does not mean that they are safe, most preservatives cause cancer- yet they still put these out there as being safe, why won't they stand behind their product. Most people think they do because the media says it's ok, or a Dr. told them it was fine........ yet laws have been passed that if something happens to a person(s) they cannot be held responsible for the outcome. That means it is a 'Take at your own risk' deal! Now if something is 'take at your own risk' you'd better be sure I'm going to look into it. Also, if it were safe why are the Dr.'s who have studied out the ingredients refusing to take the shot? Some Dr.'s are just like us, and believe what they are told or what is written in a text book or an article on a subject, however, if you look into metals, minerals, toxins, etc for yourself, there is no mistaking.

Still they won't tell you that the flu viruses (which the H1N1 is a live virus) are grown in eggs. So people with egg allergies or any shell allergy should not be getting this shot. There is no other shot for these people at the moment, and there is no warning for the general population to know this.

I was in Shoppers Drug Store yesterday to pick up some vitamin D (which is the most vital 'hormone'- no it is not actually a vitamin- in keeping your immune system and the organs strong enough to fight off viruses, and it works more aggressively than a vaccine. Look it up, it has been studied and proven.) and a woman was in line in front of me and she was sneezing and talking about how she had just got the H1N1 shot a few days ago and they told her she would probably have a few symptoms as her body fought it off. Her nose was running and she said she had a bit of a fever, but other than that------- I was like 'OTHER THAN THAT?' A dead virus does not mutate..... you don't get symptoms from a dead virus, it doesn't actually evolve into anything. Her body HAS H1N1 going through it's veins. And here she is sneezing this thing right into the air. A living virus will mutate until it is killed.. that means grow in lay terms.... so if someone's immune system isn't strong enough to fight it off before they have symptoms... they become contagious. So not only is this vaccine dangerous to our own bodies.... it is dangerous to those around us if we become symptomatic.

Anyways- I urge you to not only look into vaccines because of the H1N1 virus that's going around now.... but because you can see for yourself there is more harmful ingredients to your body than what the flu could ever do. And do the same for the foods you eat, read labels. It's law that they have to put ingredients on them so you know.. some of the ingredients will shake you. Take your health into your hands- no one is going to take better care of your body than YOU!

Not all vaccines are made the same, and some have different preservatives in them. But you won't know what they are until you look them up. The long medical terms may intimidate you, but you can break them down so that you understand more of what they are and what their side effects are.

Don't just be a sheep who follows everyone else..... do your homework. Especially if you have children in your family to protect as well.

I realize not everyone will agree with me, that's fine, although I'm not sure how anyone can side with poison, but to each their own! :)

Crossroads

2009-10-26T06:44:00.000-07:00

There is no question that we are in a crossroad in our life. Sometimes it's hard to trust that God has a plan. We know that it is true, but some days it feels so far away. I'm all about waiting for things to happen in the right time, however, I sense that the time I have been waiting for is about to start.

I'm excited, because there is so much unknown. I'm just following a voice in my heart and I feel completely blind, but I trust it and there is peace!

Nick quit his second job, and I have felt a huge burden leave us. The extra money was good, but the toll is was taking in our household was not healthy for any of us. The moment he quit, my irritation, frustration and anxiety immediately lifted. He seemed lighter and happier, and I knew it was the right thing! So onward and upward!

I haven't heard back from that job yet- I've called and left a message. However my prayer is 'Lord if a door should open, let it be from you, if it is not, keep it closed.' and I trust that He will do just that!

I know something is right around the corner, I can feel it, and it's good. I just need to keep the faith and believe that God is in control no matter what it is. I feel like I am trying to plan my life myself, and just when I think I have it under control God moves me in the opposite direction. I'm willing to go, but it just shows me how much He cares for me, because His way has proven to be far better than mine.

In the meantime, I think I may write a book. I love writting, but I feel like I have gone through so much that can be used as encouragement instead of chains in my life. If I can cry with someone and truly understand, hug someone and really mean it with my soul, laugh with someone and feel their joy, greive with someone like it is my own loss.. I have no doubt that, that sensitivity was placed within me from God... and He doesn't give out gifts for them not to be used. So I may go with that and just write a book on life that's extremely raw and real. I think I will! If not for anyone else, then as an outlet to finally let go of the things that have hurt me and have caused me to withdrawl, which has only left me robbed.

So much to think about. I'm ready, I'm willing, and I am able through Christ!

Be blessed and encouraged!

To work or not to work!

2009-10-23T18:48:00.000-07:00

I'm well aware that a stay at home mom is a working mom! It is the most fulfilling job I have ever had in my life, and I have had some amazing jobs:

Gymnastics coach
Artillery Woman in the Armed Forces
Woman's Self Esteem mentor/Children's Anger Management mentor
Office Assistant
Nanny
Cashier
Hotel Reservations Agent/Vacation planner
Script writer/Actress for Racism documentaries for high schools
My self made baby bedding business online
Teachers Assistant for at risk children in a First Nation school
Tourist shop keeper
Lifeguard

....and all of that together never gave me the same satisfaction. However, being a mother doesn't come with a bi-weekly pay check. And I like to earn money, I like to be around people, I LOVE to help people and encourage people. And as all mom's know, it is nice to get a break to do something for ourselves. So in that time I have decided to be productive. Nick is in the works of changing jobs.. we will see how that goes. But I have been unemployed for some time now, and I think it is time I got back out there. Not just for money, but because a mom's life shouldn't just be about her children. I want Emma to see that she can have everything she wants if she goes out and gets it and develops a good balance.

So I applied for a job that is a bit of a stretch for me, but it is something I have wanted to do for some time now, I have just never worked up enough guts to actually apply! Well I went on a spontaneous moment and applied to be a fitness trainer. It is seriously a stretch because I still breastfeed. However I was planning on having Emma weaned pretty soon, so this will give me the motivation to stick to it when I want to give in. She is doing great with eating and drinking tons, gaining weight like a champ.... she nurses for comfort really & I want to teach her I will be there to comfort her no matter what, she doesn't need to nurse for me to come to her attention.

Anyways- I'm not sure if I will get it! I'm pretty sure if she hasn't already hired I am going to be considered. I have never NOT gotten a job I wanted before- not to boast... but people tend to really like me ;) And I like people :) I'm confident, excited, motivated and a hard worker- why wouldn't someone hire me? All jokes aside, I really want this job. Not to mention free gym membership and a chance to meet new people!

I'm excited about this! I am, however, nervous that someone will have to watch Emma for 4 hours of the day when Nick and I (if I get the job) will both be working. But 4 hours a day that Emma is away is not bad compared to other situations. Other than that, she will always be with either Nick or I. She will wake up to both of us, and she will go to bed with both of us. So this is ideal for me.

Lord- let things work out according to your plan! You know the desires of my heart, but I know your plans are better than mine, so go before me, I trust you! Amen!

Be blessed in your own journey through this life! :)

I'm encouraged!

I'm back!

2009-10-21T19:12:00.000-07:00

Wow- if I could get life to slow down a bit I'd have time to keep up on my blog! I feel so blessed in my life right now. No not everything is perfect, but I am tremendously blessed!

My baby girl is a few short weeks shy of turning one! What a little miracle baby she is! After multiple miscarriages and a terrifying pregnancy God has given me my pride and joy, the beat of my heart outside of my body! It's been tiring and hard work, but more rewarding than anything I have ever done! I'll post some recent pictures soon, I am on Nicks laptop and my pictures are uploaded to my laptop, so I'll have to post those later.

Have I ever mentioned how blessed I am to be married to my husband? After being used and abused and feeling worthless and unloved.... God brought my husband into my life and I am forever grateful. Marriage is work, but all I have to do is look past the circumstance and that man who saw beyond my past and loved me back to life is my partner in life! I am so blessed to be married to such a great person!

I just can't stop expressing my gratitude for the grace that has been extended to me!

I lost a dear friend recently from breast cancer. She was faithful to the end and trusted God with her life and now I believe she is well and whole. I admire her a lot, she really encouraged me when I felt bound! Thank you Jesus for sending people like that into my life! She leaves her husband behind, so please pray for him, I can't imagine losing my husband!

Nick has an opportunity to own his own business, his friend has done it before and with great success, it more than triples his income which will give us financial freedom. So we are praying for direction and seeking God.

I'm feeling great these days and am getting more time to myself. I make sure to fit ME time in, it really helps me to keep level headed and not feel overwhelmed. I've picked back up things that I enjoyed before becoming a mother. Tanning, crafts, working out, meeting new people, decorating. It took me a long time to figure out how to have that, maybe I am a little slow... lol... but I've gotten myself into a groove and it is much easier now.

A quick update on Emma (because I am tired and want to go to bed)

-she has 8 teeth now.

-she is walking all over the place more, but when she is tired she will only crawl.

-she likes to slap me in the face- I'm hoping she'll grow out of this, until then she gets corrected.

-she has learned to undress herself... she hates shirts on, she will take them out, and crawl out of her pants if she is hot. I've never seen a baby do that before. lol

-she loves anything music. Playing the piano calms her down, she loves to play the jambe.

-Out of the 5 birthday gifts we got for her, I have already given her 3 because I suck at holding them back! However I have Christmas gifts I have not given her yet, so I am doing better ;)

-she says 'Mum' 'Dada' 'dat' (for 'whats that' and 'I want that'), Nena (for my friend Rena), Nana (for Nanny), a weird grunt sound when she wants me to do something 'again'.. I think she is trying to make the 'G' sound. I think that is it so far.

Alright... I will post more of what has been going on! Have a good night all!!

p.s Lisa I will try and stay more regular just for you!!! However I think you should start a blog so you can express your day to day thoughts and feelings of having a soon to be toddler and being pregnant. :) Just a thought!

Blessings!

WEIGH IN!

2009-08-11T15:00:00.000-07:00

OK- I'll make this short because I am about to house shop for a layout plan for our future home and I am excited about that!

So.... I wanted to lose weight extremely fast after I had Emma... until I read a lot of information on the safety of it, as well as the effects it would have on my plan to breastfeed Emma. It's not as easy as you think it might be to lose weight while breastfeeding, because you need the extra calories to make milk, so you can't just start burning off what you need, so basically, it's the old fashion- eat right, exercise some everyday, and let weight fall off slowly and naturally. Everything said to give yourself 9 months before you do anything rigorous to try and lose weight. So a 9 month up 9 month down deal! I liked that, seemed more realistic to me than trying to fit into my size 3 jeans a month after I just birthed a baby! Not going to happen- and didn't!! ;)

So that's what I did, although some days I got in a kick to try and speed it up, but my milk supply always took a dip, so I was unable to keep that up.

So... that said. These are the numbers:

Goal to gain for pregnancy-25-30lbs

Gained in the 9 months of pregnancy- 30lbs

Goal to lose-50lbs

Lost 9 months after pregnancy- 46lbs

Now I didn't make it to 50lbs.... however, I am extremely thrilled with 46lbs... obviously I have lost all the baby weight, but I like to aim high, and because of that I lost more than baby weight, and that makes me so happy! Not that I am trying to be mega skinny- I know what is healthy for me and I watch out for that.

I'm due to lose more after I am finished breastfeeding- that should take off the extra 4lbs of milk I carry around with me everyday!! LOL And I won't have to eat as many calories to keep my milk healthy. So I really should do another weigh in when I am done nursing.

Anyways, I am more than pleased! :)

Happy skinny girl signing off!!

Blessings!

Pictures! :)

2009-08-06T10:33:00.001-07:00

ALMOST NINE MONTHS OLD!!

She hurt her lip, so she decided to stick it out for a while! lol

Mellowing out- getting close to bedtime!

Just got back from shopping with Daddy!

"I have something to say...."

Daddy and Baby's day at what used to be a mini zoo.... but there were only two goats!

OK, I know I am not in a lot of pictures... but it's because I always take the camera everywhere and love taking pictures. And it might have something to do with not liking the way 'someone' {won't point any elbows} takes pictures. However I am going to work on that! ;)

August Already!

2009-08-06T09:54:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe how fast the days are going by! I'm already shopping for fall/winter clothes for Emma. If anyone knows of a good place to buy a cute and warm winter jacket (not snow suit) let me know.

So nothing big and exciting has been going on. We picked out new furniture for our living room and have been finishing up Emma's room. I just have a couple of things left to do before I post pictures! It has turned out great, I am very pleased and Emma loves spending time in there. I like to think it is because of my decorating skills, but I think it has something to do with her large mirror I let her dance and stare at herself into. She LOVES looking at herself. What a girl!!

It's almost time for my weight loss due date! My 9 months up 9 months down loss, I'm pretty excited- nervous- but excited! I'll let you know how much I lost. I gained exactly 30lbs with my pregnancy and I hope to get down 50lbs from that! That's my goal, and it's where my weight would be it's healthiest and leanest, so I'm crossing my fingers!! :)

I can't believe September is next month! That's one month away from my 25Th birthday! I actually can't believe I will be 25 this year. I used to think that was 'all grown up' but I am starting to realize that the feeling I thought hit you one day to make you feel like an adult doesn't come much in a 'feeling' but more in the amount of responsibility and personal growth. Not what I expected, but I did make goals for myself while I was in high school as to what I wanted my life to look like by 25. I wanted to be married and have a child, go to college, buy a car, and buy a house; I have accomplished all of that with the exception of buying a house, although in the next few years we hope to find the perfect house for us!

On kind of a downer note: my little brother has been shaken up lately. He was at the beach last weekend and he watched a man drown right in front of his own son. The people on the beach thought the kid was playing when he yelled that he was trowing. Of course the boy was standing on a rock yelling, so it did not appear that he was in trouble. However, his father had slipped under water while he was swimming out to the little island the boy was at and could not get to the top to signal trouble or get air. When the boy started crying, people knew this was serious, many people in the water and on the beach began to swim out to help this man, but they could not find where he had gone under. Meanwhile, someone was sent down to the large beach to get lifeguards and call 911. The fire department was there in no time and the fire men had stripped down to almost nothing in a flash and had gotten in the water to help. One man felt something rub his foot and when he went under to see what it was, he found the father. He quickly brought him above the water as the lifeguards swam over to place the man on the board to bring him to shore. Once there he was given CPR to no avail- here in NB you are not permitted to declare a death so CPR must be given consistently until a person is brought to the hospital and declared deceased by a MD. With great sadness in my heart while typing this, I have to say, this man did not come back to life. Many people on the beach have never seen anything like this happen before, and my brother, so helpless to do anything, was in shock. While the beach was quiet as people prayed that this man would breath, a woman started screaming at her son (who was swimming over to the island with this man) that it was his fault he died and that the other young boy lost his father, she had said '...you made him swim over there with you, you killed him!' When my brother told me this, I immediately wished I was there. I'm not very violent- but I think I would have punched her in the mouth. A child who can do nothing to save a grown man but watch him die and be ignored when he cries for help should NEVER have to deal with the added guilt he must already feel and have to deal with for the rest of his life! What a stupid mother!
Anyways, this is a sad situation, I feel for this young son who has lost a father, I feel for the boy who was told it was his fault, and for the family that lost a relative. People need to remember- you don't keep your swimming skills if you only swim in the summer, what you were able to swim last year does not dictate what you are able to swim this year unless you have continued to do so year round. And if you decide to swim any distance in which you are unable to stand and have your head above water, make sure you go to a beach with lifeguards. If you do find yourself in a situation where you are in water and are tired- turn on your back and FLOAT and yell for help, or wait until you have gained strength to swim again and kick while on your back in the direction that will get you to safety. {This is the lifeguard in me...} It's better to feel slightly embarrassed than to lose your life!

That's too sad to end on- SO... on a GREAT note! A man got in a car accident the other day while he was having a heart attack over on Paradise Road. His heart stopped completely and his car drove into a tree or telephone pole. When his car hit the tree it caused his body to smash into the steering wheel and the force caused his heart to start back up. What an event, eh? If he wouldn't have been driving in that moment and gotten into an accident, he would not be alive today! Talk about perfect timing. Totally bizarre, but amazing!

Sunday, Monday- To-day!!

2009-07-28T06:52:00.000-07:00

A lot has been going on lately, and I have been having fun, yet have been very busy!

This past weekend I spent it with all of my sisters; Chylin, Naomi, Sarah, Destiny, and my niece Divya. We had many laughs, vegged out, watched movies, and just enjoyed each others company. I am so blessed to be as close as I am to my family and to have the family that I do. We've all been through so much together that could have torn us apart if we all took on a 'victim' attitude about things, but we clung to each other for strength and it has not only given us growth within ourselves, but in our relationships as well.

On a different note. Nick was sought out for a job as a youth pastor, and as we prayed about taking this opportunity we were excited. However, we felt that this was not the position for him to take at this time, and that God was planning on using us elsewhere. Of course, we would never want to step out of the will of God because that could be disastrous for not only us, but the people who are waiting on a specific chain of events to happen in order for God's plan to come to pass in their lives. Well, I'm not going to mention a church or the pastors name, but when Nick told him that we did not feel this was the job for us, he went cold. The pastor actually wanted justification. He passively demanded answers. Little did we know until this conversation that he was doing his own research into seeing if Nick took another position without telling him. I wondered why he was being so secretive, what's there to hide? What did he think he was going to find? Obviously I was in discuss, what kind of man of God cannot respect that if someone does not feel God's blessing on a certain job he does not want to step in the way of a greater plan? I have to question this pastors motives.... is he truly in the ministry to further the kingdom in the will of God, or his own agenda? I am so thankful that God knew exactly what this pastors heart is before we ever spoke to him, and I'm thankful God was faithful to us to tell us not to go before we entered into a ministry that doesn't seem to aline with our convictions. God is faithful to those who are faithful to Him, and I am grateful for that!

This next month is Nick and I's wedding anniversary as well as our 5 year 'being together' anniversary. Yes, we still celebrate that! :) However, Nick never gets a full weekend off, and this coming weekend is a holiday for us in NB, so we decided to go away on vacation/for our anniversary. We were going to go to PEI but decided after trying to reserve a place to stay that it was going to be insane with tourists, and I'm not into waiting in long lines with an 8 month old! So we decided to go to my grandparents cottage and then see what the weathers brings, and maybe go to magic mountain, the big zoo, crystal palace, Parlee beach, etc. We will see. There is tons to do at the cottage, plus they have a little boat, so there is a lot of freedom and no lines :)

Update on Emma- well she has started standing by herself without holding on to something, she has done this about a dozen times now and it is so cute! She gets all excited! She also started walking from one item to the next (IE. going across the couch, to her rocking chair, to get to the toy she wants to play with). I'm so proud of her. As I type she is napping, and I feel so bad for her- she is teething again. She has had a long break between sets of two coming out, but I wish they all came out at once and then was done with it! I hate seeing her suffer like that!

Alright.... it just occurred to me that while she naps I should keep preparing her room for her. She will be in there next week, and it seems like there is still so much to do! I will post pictures. But for now I should take advantage of the free time I have to get it down without the princess pulling up on my legs!

Blessings,

Twila

9 months up- 9 months down!

2009-07-20T19:06:00.001-07:00

Ok- so this is a touchy subject in which not too many women freely discuss. But I mean you can only do so much to hide weight, and I've never been one shy of talking about mine.

When I was pregnant I knew I did not want to go over the recommended 30lbs I was suppose to gain in order to keep a healthy weight. It took a long time to gain it, but I did it, and I was proud of my weight gain!

I've always had eating disorders and suffered with a false idea of what my body really looked like, so I constantly need (and have always needed) an outside un-bias view. I think everyone an relate to this at one point or another, however, mine is a bit on the severe side.

While I was pregnant I set up a plan to lose weight immediately after the birth, I was determined to get back to tip top shape. Better than pre-pregnancy, I wanted to be pre-college!

Everyone kept reminding me 'It took 9 months to put it on, give it 9 months to come off.'. So to be fair to myself I decided I would not be hard on myself until after the 9 months post pregnancy were over.

Well, I still have a few weeks to go- but I still want to lose a few more pounds, so this is just to hold me accountable as well as let my readers know- truly give it 9 months.. your body WILL let the weight go without much force!

So like I said I gained exactly 30lbs during my pregnancy- as of today I have lost 45lbs! :) Some of the weight will not come off until I finish nursing- that's just the way that is... you don't carry around cartons of milk without adding some weight to yourself ;) They say if you nurse it adds 3lbs to your weight. If that is true- I've really lost 48lbs of fat, water, baby, placenta, blood volume, etc... but I have 3lbs of milk production going on.

So now that 9 months is creeping up- I've decided that these last weeks I will push my limit. I want to be down 10 more pounds on the day Emma turns 9 months old! I won't be hard on myself if I don't meet this goal- but I need to have goals in order to be motivated!

No I'm not trying to be super tiny- I'm just trying to get myself in my best BMI position. And to be fair- I'm a small person, my frame is small. I'm 5'4, and I'm pretty energetic. So it is easy for me to be overweight and people not to realize this. Overweight is not just one size.... it's when you go over your own personal healthy weight range.

So.... here we go- I will check in and update.. I won't give #'s until the 9 months mark (Aug 11). Wish me luck!

Be blessed & Healthy!

Twila

Updates & Weekend Away

2009-07-15T10:51:00.000-07:00

This is Emma's cousin Lily

Emma loving bath time @ the trailer.

Mumma & Baby

Trying out the water at the beach- once the wave touched her she wanted up!

Baby & Daddy at the dock.

I have been crazy busy with Emma and redoing her bedroom... well mostly planning. The major parts will be tackled these next two weeks. We hope to have her in there for August! In the meantime she is still bunked out in our bedroom, which was fine with us, because we were a little nervous for her to be away from us. I think this has something to do with having co-slept until a few months ago. She's always been close to us. So it's us letting go a little bit.

Now that I know we are staying where we are for a while I have decided to make her room more permanently 'hers'. Up until this time we would not paint her walls, so we bought wall stickers and matching items. But seeing her personality more and more has given us a better idea of what to do. {Pictures to come}

Other than that we went away to my in-laws summer trailer at Beulah last weekend to get out of the city and enjoy some time together. It was nice. Emma went to the beach for the first time- she hated the water, but at least she gave it an honest try first. She also got to meet her cousin Lily, as did Nick and I for the first time. She turned 8 months while we were away and I can't believe how fast she is growing up, it breaks my heart! In less than 4 months she will be 1 year old! That's unbelievable to me! The time sure sails right by.

We also finally have our car back, it took forever for us to get it fixed, but we are glad to have it back.

Has anyone else that lives in Saint John noticed how cold it has been this summer. I mean I have felt the summer heat only a handful of times thus far. Most days there is a coolness in the air that reminds me of winter. Not a nice cool spring breeze, it's actually cold. So I'm wondering where global warming went.... because this feels more like the beginning of an ice age!

Alright, I'm pretty tired today, so that's about all I can remember for now.

Blessings!

p.s I have no clue why my blog went to this format, but I like it! :)

weather or not....

2009-07-06T06:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Nick and I decided to take Emma to the park so that she could get lots of fresh air. Usually this tires her out, and since she was fighting sleep so hard all day we thought it could only help. So we got her ready and headed out with the stroller and it started to rain. When we walked out the door it was sunny, and it had clouded over within a couple of minutes. That's Sait John for you, however, the clouds moved out and the sun dryed everything up after a half of an hour, so we got ready again and went successfully. It's crazy the vast amount of weather we get in a 24 hour period here. This also makes it hard to plan a beach day which we have yet to have.

Anyways, she loved the park, but was quickly growing more tired every minute so we couldn't stay long. But I did manage to take some pictures and I know I have not posted any recent ones on my blog.... July 5th 2009 7 months (She will be 8 months on the 11th).

Other than that, our car is still in getting fixed, we should have it back in the next couple of days (thank goodness) and there will be more pictures.

Wednesday night my cousin Tasja is on her second round at Saint John Idol, I'm so proud. She has already won other talent contests and recording time, so I hope this is just one more thing she can add to the resume!

I'm also planning our anniversary vacation and I am torn between two places: PEI and Halifax. I love Halifax and could go every weekend and not get sick of it, but I have never been to PEI, and I hear it is beautiful, and of course has more of a summer touristy {is that a word} feel to it. We will see, if you have been to both message me and tell me what you would pick!! :)

Blessings,

Twila

12 hours of sleep

2009-07-03T07:39:00.000-07:00

Emma slept really good last night. From 9:30pm-9:30am with only one waking to eat early this morning for about 15 minutes. I normally go to bed a little after her, but last night there was a movie on that I found interesting, so I stayed up until 12 to watch it thinking I could catch up on some missed sleep in the morning if Emma slept in some. Well, Emma did sleep in, I did not; I woke up to a thunderstorm and heavy rain beating on the windows. I couldn't believe Emma slept through it. I hope she keeps up a good night time sleep routine. She is much happier in the morning when she gets a good amount of sleep. She has also started to stand up holding onto things without tumbling down, with that, she is starting to get up onto her feet, using her hands, but she isn't strong enough to bring her hands off of the floor to fully stand. I'm so proud of her progress!

My legs are sore from jogging, but I call it a positive pain, I know that my body is getting a work out, and that makes me feel good. I can't wait to see physical changes, however, the energy levels have already been drastically changed, I feel great, and I have so much more drive already! I think I am going to add pilates to the mix, we'll see if that is the extra something I am looking for. I have also been slacking on the crunches. I will start those tonight as well. I think I am getting addicted to fitness! :)

So I was talking to Nick more about baby Croz #2...... just for chat, because it is fun to talk about the future. And he is happy either way- I guess I am too, now that I have my little girl, which is a dream come true. However, we already knew our future little boys name would be Micah Andrew.... but I was thinking on girl, and I LOVE the name Megan but Nick loves the name Eva. Actually I like them both.... I picture myself saying 'and these are my daughters Emma & Eva' but that sounds more like twins to me. Anyways, I am way ahead of myself, but it is fun to think about.

Speaking of Emma, she is getting pretty frustrated with her toys, which is her way of saying 'mom I need some cuddles and sleep'. So this is all for now.

Blessings!!

Twila

p.s Those in the maritimes, was that not crazy thunder to wake up to or what?

Just a regular old fashion update.

2009-07-02T07:53:00.000-07:00

The other day my cousin (Sam) had her level 2 ultrasound and she was so excited to find out what gender her baby is. My aunt (Susan) was watching my niece (Divya) during this time for my sister, so I agreed to watch Divya while Susan went with Sam to her ultrasound. Divya is 2, and she is an only child, which was very clear in her actions while she was here. She did not want to share, and everything was 'hers'. I tried to teach her to share, but it went down hill from there. She would try and push Emma away from me so she could have my undivided attention, she would tell me to put Emma in her crib, or for me to move her. When Emma would move away to play by herself, Divya would go out of her way to take away any toys Emma was playing with. Emma just looked at her as though saying 'what are you doing?'. But she never cried or complained, she would just move on to the next toy. Divya was the first grandbaby born in my family, and has been 'the baby' in the center for most of her little life already since my nephew Sylas (who is the same age as Divya) lives in N.S, she has never had to share attention with anyone. So we all can see a little bit of jealousy in Divya when she is around Emma, rightfully so, but it is so weird to me that she didn't have to be taught this behavior, it was just there.

Well, later that day when my aunt came to pick Divya up, she let me know that the technician was unable to confirm any gender because the cord was in the way, however, he thought that it is a girl, but is unsure. Sam is going with girl, which I really hope it is, because I know too many people who thought it was one gender and were disappointed at the birth when it was the other.

My older sister Chylin is all moved in next door, it looks great over there! Much better than it did before she moved in. I can't believe how much abuse some people can give an apartment, and how disrespectful they can be to property that does not belong to them. However, because we both have so much stuff we don't use/need we decided to have a yard sale in a couple of weeks to downsize even more. I have only had one yard sale before, and it was when I was freshly pregnant, and I was so tired I couldn't even stay awake long enough to help with anything, so I should give it another shot before I make a decision if I like to do it or not. :)

Nick and I started jogging yesterday, and it went better than I thought. I didn't think I could make it up the block without having to catch my breath. However, I do have to stop trying to have a conversation while I am jogging because that only works against me. However, it is not challenging my muscles enough so I am going to have to do other exercise to tone.

Alright, I think that is all, Emma is starting to get a little fussy, so I think it is close to nap time.

Be Blessed,

Twila

A brother or sister for Emma

2009-06-29T12:44:00.000-07:00

Well, after the pains of labor and recovery became a distant memory- or at least a foggy one from lack of sleep- we keep second guessing if we really want Emma to be an only child.

I can't imagine what it is like to be an only child, I have 7 siblings. However, after experiencing the pregnancy I did, I am not sure I can go through that again no matter how beautiful of a miracle comes out of it.

I had a condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum. This is the most severe form of morning sickness. You initially lose 5% of your body weight - continuing to do so until medically managing - and cannot hold down food or water for any length of time without the help of medications, even then, after only one day of none stop vomiting there is still a need for re-hydration via an IV because the stomach will not allow the water to be absorbed before it is brought back up.

After hearing Dr.'s say it may end soon, after the 1st and 2nd trimester, I came to terms with the fact it would probably last until the day I went into labor- and I was right!

Some people gave me a hard time complaining about it because, after-all, some people couldn't even fall pregnant, and at least I was going to have a baby at the end of it. Yes, that is true, but the health risk was not only to myself, it was also to my baby, and that was even more terrifying to live with. The only thing I have to say to those people are 'you vomit 25-30 times a day until you stomach is being torn and bleeding, lose almost 30lbs when you know you are suppose to be gaining weight for a healthy pregnancy, go through the guilt of not being able to give your body proper nutrition in order to give your baby what it needs to grow into a healthy being, feel the depression of not being able to enjoy your pregnancy because you are too ill to do anything and the very thought of 'pregnancy' send you running to the restroom and then come talk to me.' Yes I am grateful for my daughter, but the journey to have her in my arms was far from a 'blessing'.

This is the thing I worry about! I know that every pregnancy is different, but I am not sure I can go through that again. Labor and delivery were easy in comparison. However, 9 months of that for a play mate and friend through life for Emma, and another child to pour love into seem fair. But this is a non-pregnant person speaking, not one just short of taking my own uterus out to find relief from feeling like death is knocking at the door.

I just want to be able to enjoy it and not be a burden on my family if I become so ill again. They say only 1% of pregnancy's are diagnosed with HG, although a lot more women get treated for it than actually have it, but isn't 1% a large enough amount to come up with the WHY's? My guess is it's an intolerance or allergic reaction to the pregnant or increased hormones. I had so many needles punctured through my skin, I would not have minded a few more in order to go toward some research on the disorder.

However, even through all of that I birthed a healthy, thriving, and beautiful 7lb 10oz little girl. Thank God for that!

I think that the only way I am going to get over my fear of this happening again is have another 'surprise' pregnancy. Then I would have to face it no matter what instead of going through the battle of 'what if's' I bring myself into now.

Anyways, God knows what He is doing, and if that door is to remain closed, I am ok with that, and if He decided that He will open that door again in His time, I trust that He will give me the strength, and maybe even bless me with an enjoyable pregnancy.

Well those are just my thoughts on the matter. A lot of people have asked me after going through that if I want another child. And this is my honest answer. However, I am more than blessed that I was able to have one child, and I will be forever grateful if she is the only one I ever have because I know some long for just one child that seems impossible to have. And I feel for them, but I have faith that God brings us through things for a reason, and He doesn't do it to cause harm, but in the end, to bring a bigger blessing than we could have dreamed, and to allow us to grow in area's He wants us to grow in.

Blessings,

Twila

Summer Lovin'

2009-06-28T07:53:00.000-07:00

Do you know what is so weird? When I lived in Ontario I found that everyone was in a rush, people were less patient, and were much more rude than what I am used to from the east coast. However, as fast as everyone else was going, I found the time there dragged on for me. Days were so slow, nights were too hot and very uncomfortable, although that could have had something to do with having a little baby growing inside of me. However, now that I am back home in a much slower paced atmosphere, I find my life is busier than every. Saint John is a very traditional, older, victorian style place to live. You're neighbors know your business and you know theirs- maybe it's because the walls are too thin, or because your neighbor is your sister-but most people are respectable and welcoming. Here you can feel welcomed right on the street, most people will say 'hi' or 'nice day isn't it?'. And this is a city! Not a small town. Now I live in the part where most people are afraid of, and I have to laugh, because the crime rate here is small compared to other parts of the city, and the people are so nice. I love it here, I feel most at home here, and everyone knows everyone! It's just funny how things have picked up the pace. Except for King Square, where the old people still flock to the benches to watch the business of the day consume people, and the traffic go around the square.

My little Princess will be 8 months soon, and I cannot believe it! in 4 short months she will be just shy of her 1st birthday! She is so grown up to me. She just loves to talk and clap her hands when she gets excited. She is such a girlie girl. Of course I would have it no other way, but it's in her without my persistence. She will ignore every commercial unless it is 'my little pony', 'polly pocket', 'barbie', and anything else girlie. And if you get in her way while these are on, she lets you know! I have to really get down to the child proofing because she is into everything now. I think it may be best to just bubble rap her all up. However, I have learned not to make a big deal when she falls, it seems it only hurts when she hears my reaction, if I don't have one, she gets up without a single tear in her eye. Oh, I just love her. I love how she loves me back, and prefers me than anyone else- I know this is short lived, one day her days are going to be everything else but me, and I'm going to long for my baby girl to want to spend time with me, but for now I am so grateful that I am given this time that I will never have back with her. There is no greater gift in life than to have spent the time you can building a trusting relationship with a child you have made with the one person you love most in this world! I invested the rest of my life to my husband, and I will do the same for anything that comes with that investment! God is so good to me! I am blessed beyond belief! I am forever grateful for my husband and beautiful daughter!

We still haven't gotten to the beach, however, Nick's boss has given him a day off to spend time with the family (Which is nice because he hasn't had a 'day off' for himself in at least a year while he has been working! My husband is a very hard worker and I have tremendous respect for his work ethic and determination, especially in this time of financial depression.). But I am going to get Emma to the beach one of these days. I'm just trying to figure out in the mean time how I am going to teach her not to eat the sand.

Canada Day is coming up, and I am excited. Although I totally forget how old Canada is turning. But I am looking forward to all the events taking place on the 1st. I love the fireworks, but I am not sure if I am going to go where Emma is so little, they might be too loud for her little ears.

Other than that, I think I am just putting off cleaning my apartment now. I'm looking around and I'm slowly realizing that most of the mess this time is mine! lol Nick and Emma are taking a nap, so this is the perfect time to get things done.

Blessings,

Twila

Fathers Day

2009-06-23T05:21:00.000-07:00

Well, my dad could not make it down for my sisters Graduation & Fathers day, but it was still fun!

Nick got up with Emma for a little while early in the morning and then went back to bed to get more sleep. So Emma and I went about our schedule as normal and then we made him breakfast and a card from Emma. (Although I want the card myself lol) After Nick got some good sleep in, we went in and woke him up to eat, he was very happy!

Then things got a little dramatic while my sister and I were trying to figure out Sarah's graduation arrangement. The problem- she didn't even want to go to her graduation. I was shocked. She was an honor student, and had applied for scholarships. You don't work that hard in school to NOT go to your graduation.

The end result was that her friends went to my moms house to get ready with Sarah, so she really couldn't say no. Gotta love that peer pressure from time to time ;) Who says it is always a 'bad' thing?

While Chylin & I went to the graduation, Nick stayed home and spent time with Emma! I think it went well, but Nick didn't waste any time passing me Emma as I came in the door. lol

The seats at Saint John High were extremely uncomfortable, and it was very hot in the stands, and it seemed to take forever to get through it all. But I was so proud!! Sarah won two scholarships (which is great because she had already recieved two other scholarships a few weeks ago from different organizations) so this is a great start to entering university! And as I mentioned before, graduated as an honor student! :)

After this was over, Chylin, Rena, Nick, Emma and I all had a fathers day BBQ. Nick loves to BBQ, so he had a good time and the food was SO good!! That was nice to have here at our place, we haven't had one here since we moved in, in January. (This may not be a big deal since not too many people BBQ in the winter, but for some reason, Nick's family does.) I like to keep it to the summer months. Brings out even more fun to the summer months!!

You won't believe how we entered these summer months though- RAIN! Seriously, this is not a good sign. It has been raining for days, the summer heat still hasn't even come. The breeze is still pretty cool to me, but it may be because last summer the heat in Ontario was so intense, everything else seems cold to me. We'll see, I hope it warms up, I want to take Emma to the beaches!

Other than that, we are still awaiting direction on a few things and seeking the Lord for his perfect will- while seeing the enemy try to discourage us, but this is to be expected (I'll explain more later). However, there is plenty going on around here to keep us busy and in prayer. :)

Be blessed!

Twila

I think I'll be in love forever...

2009-06-15T08:10:00.000-07:00

I'm not into mushy things, I do like romance, but not the kind from the movies. The kind that mean something to two people that is unique for them based on their own experience and personality. That's when love shines through- those are the moments to hold onto, not the fairy tale moments you wait forever for, and never seem to find.

That said, I found a song that reminded me of myself and my husband. Not the words, but the arrangement. I've never heard the piano and the drums alone together. And I must say I LOVE LOVE LOVE the sound. Very unusual. However, in this song it is the manner in which they are played that reminds me of us.

The piano has classical moments, and emotional moments, with musical depth and melody. This is how I write my music. I don't often play anything else but my own stuff, and that's not often because I am not around a piano enough these days. My husband is more of a soft rock, very simple yet many hidden complex beats that show a humble talent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wC1VJ6Xo9EM

These instruments take us places no one, and nothing can take us to. They become our escape. We get lost in the music and the moments.

Nick is the only person in the world that takes me to the same place. Where I can be comfortable and insecure all at once. Where I can cry and laugh. Keep it together and lose it. Cross the line and be taken back.

When I heard this song I was like 'THIS IS THE MOST ROMANTIC SONG I HAVE EVER HEARD" and it's not even a happy love song. The lyrics are good- but not what drew me in.

I'll never be able to make someone fully understand who doesn't have a love and passion for an instrument and music. As long as the drums and the piano can play like this- that's as long as I'll be in love for.

Folks- that's as mushy as I get. ;)

Twila

p.s I love you Nick!

6 months later and still unpacking

2009-06-15T04:44:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how much stuff you can have and feel the need to hang onto it, even if it sits in a box without being missed.

When we moved in, there was so little time to unpack and get situated. So there is one closet in our apartment that is deemed 'storage'. Only that 'storage' is just unpacked miscellaneous things that we do not use.

We started to unpack them the other day, but I have no idea what to do with the stuff. What I really need is a house. And with that house I need a garage or a basement for storage. Hmmm.. now that I am thinking about it, if I had a house I would have more room to put things, so I wouldn't need 'storage'. The simple answer- I need a house. And that is probably not going to happen any time soon. So I'm going to have to go with the more difficult answer..... if I haven't used it in 6 months, I probably don't need it. Get rid of it.

Two updates on my little princess. She has learned to say 'hi', however, she does not do it on her own. She will only repeat it. She doesn't do it a lot, but it is so funny when she does. She has also learned that when she wakes up she does not need to be picked up right away. She spins herself around and sits up to play with her aqua mobile until someone comes to get her. This is more pleasing to see in the morning compared to a frustrated and irritable baby crying to be picked up as soon as the eyes open.

We had a surprise visit from my older brother and nephew yesterday. I haven't seen them since Christmas, so it was great. Sylas is growing into such a handsome little man. He is so cute! My brother, his wife, and son are all moving back to NB! I'm so excited! They are just waiting for the position my sister in law wants, to open at the hospital (She's an RN). She currently works at the IWK (major children's hospital for eastern Canada) and wants to transfer to the neo-natal care at the Saint John Regional hospital. She'll probably get in since she is coming from one of the best hospitals in Canada. So I can't wait!! I love my family!

Other than that, we are still working on simplifying our life. It seems to be quite the process. lol But it can only get better, right? Well, I hope so!

That's about it for now- I have a hungry baby! :)

Blessings,

Twila

Busy busy busy!

2009-06-12T07:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've posted, but things have been crazy around here.

God has really been working on me the past little while, well few months, and I've tried to spend as much time as I can in the Word and in prayer, and the only times I have to do that are the same times I usually blog; Emma's nap times. However, right now she is playing happily in her pack and play.

Speaking of Emma, she has learned a lot in a short period of time. A couple of weeks ago she learned how to get herself down from the sitting position, before she would just tumble on pillows I had around her, however, two days of landing on the hard floor and she taught herself how to get back to a laying position without bruises. This past weekend she learned to hold onto things and get up onto her knees. I was so excited, until I seen her chewing the side of the crib. I wasn't excited about that since she has two bottom teeth. I knew that standing was next, so we decided to lower her mattress level just in case she did it while we were sleeping and toppled over the rail. On Wednesday I put her in the crib before her bed time and that's when it happened, she stood up holding onto the side of her crib. She was so excited she let go to clap, and down she went. She instantly learned she has to hang on and go to the sit position before she can clap. Haha! Fast learner. She also turned 7 months on the 11th! I can't believe she is growing up so fast. I wish her hair would grow that fast ;)

In other news: I am learning to cook. Do I like it NO! I hate cooking, I'd rather clean 10 bathrooms than cook one meal. But I do like the reaction I am starting to get from my cooking. I'm actually pretty good at it. My sister who has been instructing me-who just so happens to be an amazing cook {self taught} and everything she makes is the most delish' dishes ever; she has a great imagination for cooking-informed me that after I cooked based on her instructions, I actually ended up with a better result than her own! I'm not sure how, since I followed what she said to a 'T', but everyone that tasted it LOVED it! (Yes, I get multiple people to taste my food, husbands sometimes just tell you what they think you want to hear, and that's not always the 100% truth when it comes down to something like this!) I've started with beef. I can already cook my husbands favorite steak and hamburgers (from scratch), he loves my home made chili, and now my 'specialty' shepherds pie, and he is pretty fond of my southwestern chicken stir fry; although I feel like it's missing something. So this is GREAT! I still hate it, but I do look forward to hearing how I did. And then watching it disappear. That's how you know you hit it on the right chord. My chicken stew... well that made it all the way to the compost! ;) I guess I can learn to be really good at doing something I hate.

Besides the domestic side of my life- which I had no idea would take up so much time (but I enjoy it)-I have been helping renovate my sisters soon to be apartment. She is moving right next door to me. I literally mean 'the next door'. You walk out my front door and turn your body left and you are at her front door. I was helping her lay flooring and paint. Some days were pretty dramatic, but we all (Susan, Rena, Chylin, Mike, Nick, and myself) have had some good laughs! I'm looking forward to living so close to her as we both constantly talk about how much we miss being little and sharing a room and all the memories we had. Only this is the grown up version of bunk-beds-neighbors! lol Needless to say we've always been extremely close and continue to be. She is also Emma's Godmother, so it will be good having her so close for the time being, where she is extremely busy since being hired on at her first carpenters company post graduation.

I have also finally settled on a design for Emma's bedroom. After going back and forth on idea's I've decided to create my own look and make most of it myself. I call the look 'Scraps of Love'. Everything is going to have a 'scrap book' look to it, with soft feminine colors and scrap booking as my guidance. I've already finished a few things, but I don't want to go into detail, I will post pictures when it is done. I love everything so far. And it's not even close to what I thought I would do, but I love it 100x more! Very soothing and unique! I'm excited about this. I just have to refinish her antique dresser (that will be the biggest job, as I have never refinished anything before, but I love to do things like this so it should be fun)!

Other than that, my little sister is finished high school! I cannot believe it! She is off to university in the fall to get her BA in criminology! Sarah I am SO proud of you and love you so much! I have been helping my mom plan her graduation party- so much fun! Hopefully my dad will be able to make it home for her graduation! That would be great!

Ok, that seems to be all.

Blessings,

Twila

Testimonial!

2009-06-04T08:35:00.000-07:00

I just can't get enough of hearing what God has done in people's lives. How awesome is our God?!

How merciful, graceful, powerful and loving is our God?! I am so thankful we serve a God who is alive and well, a God who is there for His people, a God who hears the cry of His own! Praise the Lord for His faithfulness. Worthy is He of all of our praise!! Even the angels cry out 'Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty!' Amen! We serve an awesome God!

Now before I start preaching here... lol.. I better get to my point.

Sometimes just hearing what God has brought other people through brings us the hope we need to get through one more day. Gives us another reason to be thankful. I believe testimonies are very powerful, and I wish we would all hear them often.

So here are some that I found people had written online:

"Praise the Lord for all that he has done and all he will continue to do.He never lets me down under any circumstances.He is the truth and love.Despite all the sins, my God is always there for me and for that I can truly say that I'm blessed.Thank you God."

"thank you MIGHTY GOD!!!!!!!!!! when I look back OVER ALL he 's brought me through!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!! even in my sins he had me! who wouldn't serve a GOD like this!!!!!!!!"

"i never could have made it through sickness poverty disappointment IAM STRONGER IM WISER IM BETTER SO MUCH BETTER THANK YOU JESUS"

"i surrender all to you Lord i love u so much you took me through situations i couldn't get through"

"Never could have made it without HIM despite everything that happens in my life some how there is alway an unexpected solution. i have now learned that no matter what is always going there will always be a solution and a way out for me. I NEVER COULD have made it without JESUS."

"HE got me through, the streets, addition, depression, suicide attempts, poverty, and so much more....... if you see this comment and feel the same way give Him glory....... I MADE IT!!!!!!!!!!!"

"thank you Lord because I didn't know how I made it and when I look back, I see that you carried me through.... Thank you Lord for your Grace and mercy!!!"

Praise the Lord for His kindness! He never leaves us nor forsakes us. He is our solid rock, our comforter, our healer, our deliverer, our provider, thank you Jesus!!

Be encouraged & Be blessed!!

Twila

God is amazing!

2009-05-29T18:15:00.001-07:00

God is really teaching us to trust Him! And it's been a struggle of mine for a long time. It's like I have the head belief, but the heart trust comes up short. I believe he CAN do what the word says, I just have a hard time believing He is going to do it for ME.

I'm tired of exhausting resources for things, and I've been learning over the last while to go to God first. And it's amazing what happens when you do this. God meets the need. No borrowing, taking out loans, going into further debt, and being bound to things and people. He provides without strings. I am so grateful. He teaches us ways to live so that we do not rely on other people. And in the hour in which we are living, this is a very important lesson to learn sooner, rather than later. I wish someone would have guided me in this direction long ago. You can give someone a fish when they are hungry, or you can teach them to fish so that they never go hungry again. It's like that!

God has used so many people to bless us in so many ways, I am short of words, I am just so grateful!

I will go into more detail when I feel like this time of testing settles down, but I get a lot of comments about my blogs and I do not want people speaking into our lives things that are not from God at this time, or things that may take my focus off of Him.

Know that God is faithful, even when your faith is small. God is amazing and he cares for our affairs. He is the best father a person could have. Even during my trials, I am extremely blessed!

Some of this might not even make sense, but it is pretty late, and I am just so excited and blessed in my heart I had to express my joy!

Be Blessed!

Twila

People & Attitude

2009-05-29T07:14:00.000-07:00

I've been wondering for a little while about why people react the way they do.
For example; someone, or people who consistently have something to say about everything, often have a hard time when the tables are turned to point in their direction. Instead of being able to take some criticism and talk about the issue, it gets turned into a battle. You'd be surprised, but I'm not talking about teenagers, although the behavior is just as immature.
In lay terms it's as though they can dish out but can't take the heat when it comes back. A bit cowardly, but some people are like this. Of course you stand up for yourself, but in the least admit when you're wrong.

I love the people in my life, because I get a lot of opinions, advice, etc. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes an outside perspective of yourself is good, often times we don't even see what we are doing until someone points it out. The Holy Spirit uses conviction, people who love you use correction. And I think it is great, you grow that way. It's humbling, but being molded against the grain often is.

I think this problem is an issue in people with under developed social skills. People who have not been able to communicate within their families what has been on their hearts and minds verbally, or friends. Often times people hide behind letters, emails. That's complicated because you can misunderstand a person's tone in that manner.

I have to think this is an issue that is a result of a persons past. Often times adults who were picked on as children, who had little to no friends, who have no support system, who didn't take part in a variety social activities are more defensive when being addressed. I can't say for sure because I've had an amazing family who has had no problems vocalizing issues, great friends who loved me enough to correct me, often.. lol, great support systems both of those factors as well as all of the organized things I was apart of. This has shaped my personality in a way that I'm not fragile. Whereas, I'm sure if I didn't have that, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to turn out this way. And thank God, because living constantly in defensive mode must be miserable.

It's miserable to be around these type of people, because it's like a virus, it spreads. Then you start to become like them. And there are some people I never ever want to be like!

It's sad really, and I do feel bad for these people.

So I challenge you to reflect. Are you manipulative? Do you get upset when others do not agree with you? Are you able to apologize when you're in the wrong? Are there things in your past that you have not over come causing added bitterness? Are you secure in who you are, no matter what circumstance you're in? Maybe this is a perfect opportunity to ask the Lord to search your heart. Can't really argue with the Him, can we ;)

Be Blessed & Be the blessing!

Twila

Through Christ's eyes.

2009-05-28T10:59:00.000-07:00

Well, this was going to be the blog- but I decided to write a book about this instead. I'll keep you posted.

Blessings,
Twila

Whoa!

2009-05-28T10:20:00.000-07:00

I was reading a book about how fast and far sin has come in the last 100 years! And I was absolutely BLOWN away!

In high school I took a class called Fashion Design. Of course I loved it. There was one day where we had to design an outfit, but instead of the undergarments being underneath the outfit you somehow had to make them the outer layer. At the time, I was like 'huh?' but thought it was cool. Thinking back now, I'm wondering what was wrong with this teacher!

90 years ago women wore loose clothing, and skirts that went to the ground. They were to be decent at all times. Ladylike (a term that seems to have gone out the window in our generation). As the woman's rights movement progress and the wars raged on opening doors for women to enter the work force for the first time, things drastically changed. I found a newspaper article from 1919 that highlighted the fact that women were showing off their ankles and soon it would be their knees, and that modesty was being swept under the carpet. Now, you might think this was a religious paper. Not so, it was the community newspaper. So within 90 years we've taken a simple modest skirt and destroyed it. Now skirts are so short you see girls wearing tights under them just to get away with the length. Some wear these without tights showing off things that make me sick to my stomach. Ladies, I don't need to see what your wearing under your skirt. Neither do all the boys that have a hard time respecting you either.

Simple confession- I struggle with this myself. You want to look good, but the options and fashion sense in the stores are far from a modest look. I often leave stores feeling disappointed. As a Christian, a mother, an older sister, a role model, I can't bring myself to wear some of the clothes that I used to as a teen, or that hang on the rack.

Women, for the most part, at least the honest women throughout history have kept things modest. We are talking for hundreds and thousands of years. When God clothes Eve, do you think he put her in a tight mini and a see through shirt? But within 90 years we've changed that. That is a very very fast exchange rate. What breaks my heart is, this is not just a teenage thing. Parents are dressing their babies in these things.

Everything about the way society tells us to dress, the way they advertise clothing is screaming SEX! It's no wonder our teenagers today are having babies (which is not the sin- the sin is the sexual act that leads to this). I'm not blaming clothing 100%, but come on, men are visual, and if you aren't respecting yourself, why should anyone else? You're an easy target! Often times desplaying yourself as a 'sex object'. Then we all get our heart broken and claim 'men just think about sex, 24/7, sex sex sex' WELL PUT SOME CLOTHES ON and maybe he will look into your eyes. Maybe even have an intellectual conversation with you.

There is no doubt that the fashion revolution AND sex revolution all happened at the same time! I'm not saying these things didn't happen back in the day of modest clothing, sin has been around since, well almost the very beginning. I'm saying it has gotten so much worse, extremely fast!

I'm not saying we all have to take a warp back to the 1800's in fashion. I'm just wondering where the modesty went?

Think about this. When I was younger and used to go to the clubs to dance I wore clothes I would not wear to a family BBQ. I knew exactly what I was trying to do. Draw a sexual attention to myself. Most people there were doing the same things. I've had friends call me after a night out broken and disgusted because they met guys there that seemed to be interested in them, and when it turned out all they wanted was sex, my friends were hurt. Fortunately, this has never happened to me, but it was nothing less of grace in my life to spare me these moments. I knew exactly why these guys did what they did. All we were doing was advertising ourselves. We knew it, that's why we dressed like that. I'm so ashamed I was ever like that! Why would I ever want to be with someone who was with me because they only had a sexual attraction to me? Where would I be as age took my youth?

Anyways, these are just my thoughts today. This is only one area in which has exploded in the last 90-100 years. There is much more I could go on about, especially from a Christian stand point, but I will save that for another day.

I'm going to blog now about true love..... when God showed me I could be loved through a different approach.

Blessings!

Twila

Changing Seasons

2009-05-25T10:47:00.000-07:00

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weap, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silent, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Our lives are constantly changing, we are constantly learning, and people come in and out of our lives for purposes sometimes greater than we know. I'm grateful no two days are the same.
God is really teaching me a lot, as I have said in previous blogs. Often times when He teaches us things, He takes us way out of our comfort zones. This seems to be the way for not only me but my family.

I'm so excited about where God is taking us, on our own personal journey and through our ministry, as well as in our relationship and parenting. There is no lack of excitment in our lives, that's for sure.

I see God working in Nick's life like I have never seen. A boldness about him that I have never experienced. An increase in faith that puts my own faith to shame. And Nick is not shy in sharing that fault of mine with me. lol But I am glad he loves me enough to care about my walk with God and constantly encourage me to go deeper; to never be satisfied. Which I really never am, but I do fall into 'comfort' stages. And I'm glad, through the Holy Spirit, I am able to be shaken and moved right out of those stages.

God is taking us to new places in ways I never imagined. We are hopeful, we are excited, and it's not comfortable, but we see the hand of God in this, and we are willing to obey His direction. We are so grateful God forsaw things that have played out in our lives recently and had a plan for them, although this plan comes at a great loss to us, we serve a Lord who not only gives, but also takes away. And it's not to harm us or hurt us, but to mold us and make us into who He created us to be, to do the work He wants us to do, in the season He needs it to be done. And because of that hope I am not discouraged.

Our hearts are open, and they are honest before the Lord.

I feel a burning in my heart that I have felt since becoming a Christian that a time is coming where God will bust open what he has called me to do, and with this burning is an amazing passion and excitment. Everything happens in it's season. And I feel a new season blooming. It just so happens to be around my favorite of the four weather seasons as well ;)

God is good, and He is faithful.

Sorry it took me so long to blog!

What a journey! I wouldn't trade it for the world! Not the joy or the tears!

Be Blessed!

Twila

Personalized

2009-05-21T19:06:00.000-07:00

Hi readers,

I am delighted that I get so much feedback on my blog. I love hearing from all of you, and I am happy that you are interested in my thoughts and daily lessons and activities. Life is a great journey and I am so happy to share that.

However, I have had people say that they have been given and/or have had read my postings via other sources other than my postings online, and I would just like to say that I give no permission for copying or distributing any material from my blog.

Anything written on my blog is copywritten to this website under twilafaith.blogspot.com and the rights are reserved to the publisher of the blog {ME :)}.

If you would like others to read along, I have no problem with that. I'm honored someone would take the time to read my online journal. I ask that you direct their attention to my webpage. This way they can understand my heart and tone from reading more of what I write, as well as keeping my writing in the only location I have given permission.

I hope you all understand, if not, I will be forced to privitize my blog to a select few.

Blessings,

Twila

The alter

2009-05-19T13:01:00.000-07:00

I have a lot going on in my life in a spiritual sense I feel like my mind is going crazy. I'd have it no other way. It's funny how sometimes you feel like you are constantly in the 'Be still and know that I am God' stage, and then like a whirlwind God is taking you to new levels.

I was thinking about alter calls the other day. And how meaningful they are.

Now, I must clarify. the significance of an alter is not it's location. An alter is just a place where something is laid before the Lord. It can be in a church, in your bedroom, on your kitchen floor. Goodness knows I've fallen to my knees in the middle of doing the dreaded dishes with something on my heart. Nothing burns like dish soap in your eyes, let me tell you!

But for this blog I'm going to specify the alter in a church.

The day I got saved-became a Christian-I had made a promise that I would not clap, pray, sing, stand, kneel, cry, or even listen in response to anything going on in the service. I was only there because I had made a promise to my friend I would go. Obviously this was a divine intervention for my souls sake, and even my life, but that is a story for another blog. By the middle of this service I was crying and shaking. No one told me what to do or where to go, in fact I tried to act like I was just having a bad day, but in my heart I knew I needed to go to the alter. This terrified me, I knew there must have been some significance to this pull, I got up and went to the washroom. I tried to pull it together, but I could not get rid of the tremendous shame and guilt in my heart that was overtaking me. It felt like all of the things I had done wrong in my life became an illness and was physically tearing me apart and it was starting with my heart. No one had to tell me that the Lord was dealing with me, it was like I had a sixth sense, I just knew exactly WHO was knocking at my heart. I couldn't take the shame any longer, The Lord was calling me to come to Him, but I had so many things in my heart and life that stood in the way. And more than anything my desire for Him to fill that same space was causing conflict in my actual body. Before there were even words, there were my tears. I hadn't said 'I'm sorry' out loud yet.. I was afraid at what might happen when those words came out. But make no mistake, my heart was repenting before my mouth was!

That's when I could no longer hold back what I felt drawing me. The Alter! I walked there with my head low, people were rejoicing, but I could only think of the things I had done in my life that were displeasing to God. No one had explained to me what went on at an alter, and I didn't care if I looked or seemed insane. If you knew the situation I was in that day, you would know that if the Lord did not intervene in my life that night, I would not be alive today. So when I say this was a life or death situation, I'm not speaking lightly. It just also included my eternity as well as the rest of my life.

As soon as I got to the alter, I fell to my knees. I could not stand there, I felt as though I couldn't get low enough. I said two words- I'm sorry! And I just wept uncontrollably! Like nothing I have ever done in my life. {To this day I cannot understand how someone can say 'please forgive me' without saying 'I'm sorry' first in their repentance.} Now depending on your religious background you can take from this what you will, but you've come by too late to tell me it's not real; within a few minutes of me breaking before the Lord at the alter I was filled with the Holy Spirit. Nothing on earth could ever describe the feeling of brokenness immediately replaced with joy like I never knew existed to a fullness of God that literally had taken my personality, my attitude, my shame, my depression, every aspect of my life and turned it completely around. I was made whole! I was FORGIVEN! I was SET FREE! There is not a day that goes by that these moments don't run through my mind and I am any less grateful.

This was my first experience of the alter that is etched in my mind. The second was when God was dealing with me about something I was trying to hang onto that was damaging my relationship with him. Things were going on in my family and instead of turning to God, I harbored bitterness and hatred. There was no alter call at this service, but I went anyways, in my brokenness I had to go back to that place I once was, and it was not just in my heart, but I knew it had to be in my actions. No one came to pray for me, and I was ok with that, it had nothing to do with anyone but me and God. I have to admit I was a little hurt that not even the pastor acknowledged me at the alter, however, I did feel an arm come around me, and I heard that person crying with me. I didn't even need to open my eyes to know who it was, I could feel that they were experiencing the same pain I was, even moreso. I've never experienced that before. It was my older sister. God didn't send a pastor, he didn't send a group of people, He sent someone who knew the pain in my heart, someone who could pray with me in unity and know exactly what I was feeling. Someone who felt my pain and could pray with the same desperation as I was. The only alter call that night was the time my sister and I spent there. No one else went. And it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. God started to heal my heart that day, and he also let me see I was not the only one in my family that was hurt to the same degree.

The third that sticks out to me was my wedding day. I don't remember much because I was on medication- long story! But the way I gave my heart to the Lord and invited Him in for my life and beyond, I also gave a promise to my husband that he would hold a place in my heart, in my life, no matter what, before God at an alter, I offered to share the life God had given me with Nick. It was more than an 'in love' thing. I knew it was also a partnership in ministry. I also knew that this union would be a focal point for the enemy, and let me tell you it has been. I'd go into details, but I don't feel the need to at this time. I will when I feel it will be beneficial to those who could use the encouragement and hope found in Christ that we found when we thought there was no hope.

It was at the alter my life took huge changes. Both in and outside of the church. It's at the alter I lay myself down over and over again because I often take myself back off with my lack of faith and selfishness. But God always draws me back.

To me the alter is the same as being before the cross. It's where sacrifice and unconditional love are both present.

It's where my life is always changed!

Be Blessed!

Twila

Finally back!

2009-05-19T05:30:00.000-07:00

I was staying at my mom's house for a while keeping the peace while my mom and her husband went on a much needed vacation, although I don't think my mom relaxed enough to call it a vacation. But we will go with that as though she did.

I enjoyed myself. I forgot how fun it is do be around my brother and sisters. And how frustrating at times. I am surprised that my patience and tolerance is abundant toward them compared to what I used to embody. Sometimes you feel as though God needs to work extra hard in some area's of your life and you don't actually see all He has done until he puts you in a situation that may be testing. That's when you truly see the work of the Lord, and the true attitude in your heart.

It's odd that we get so wrapped up in our life as though the sun revolves around only 'ME'. Like when you have a bad day and things just seem to be going wrong all around; to you, you think your problems are huge, no one could possibly understand what YOU are going through. Often times we close our eyes and ears to those around us who seem to be complaining about their 'lesser' problems because we trap ourselves in a bubble of our own issues. Is this normal, yes. Is it right? No! The bible says to grieve when someone is grieving; be joyful when others are joyful. Basically- unite. Never be alone in what you are going through. Why? I believe one of the reasons is, because when you do this, you realize in perspective to others around you, life isn't that bad compared to others.

My neighbor just passed away. Who is also my uncles dad. Everything happened so fast it blew me away. I was laying in bed one night thanking God for my blessings in my life, and I stopped for a second and began to cry (I do this often, you will soon learn that.. My heart is very soft, but don't get me wrong, I am very bold!) Anyways, I was thinking of my neighbors wife, who is now left alone. Only 6 inches through a wall and someone's world is completely and utterly shattered. 6 inches is the only difference between a heart broken world and a thankful one. I was shocked to realize this. No not starving kids in Africa, or oppressed women in Iran, not even the homeless a few blocks away, but a broken heart the next door over that God was breaking my heart for. I don't push myself on people unless the Holy Spirit leads, but I do pray for any one I can. That's what got me to where I am today, other people's prayers and a faithful and merciful God. So I can only do the same in return knowing the outcome could be far greater than what my mind can fathom. I believe God used this situation to open a door between my aunt and myself that has never been open, she has never experienced death before and I've never saw her in the state she was in while this was happening; let alone my very masculine and 'guys guy' uncle. I could not, and still can't believe that people can be so close, yet world's apart. It blows me away, but makes my desire to offer Christ's hope that much stronger. Only Christ can keep up with all of these worlds we each live in, and that's all I really have to offer. I can't mend a broken heart, but I serve a God who can. And I am so grateful that he see's our heart when it seems no one else no matter how near or far can understand.

A question I am trying to work out is; can we truly understand one another. You've heard the phrase 'You have no idea, you've never walked in my shoes!' How true. I don't usually share footware.... but I have been through some things which when people find out, find it hard to believe. Why... maybe because I'm suppose to be falling apart at the seams... or maybe because God has enabled me to extend forgiveness where, otherwise, I could not. But those things would only hurt me. So Through God's grace, I have victory over these things. That does not mean the scars are not there to remind me those things happened. It means the chains that held me back have been broken. But can someone really understand? Why I am standing worshipping the Lord and tears begin to flow because I am grateful that God has done amazing things in my life... can the people who look at me really understand WHY I am crying? If I told them why... then, could they understand? Fully? Could they cry in gratitude with me, or would I here again another phrase 'I understand!' I'm not going to answer this, because I don't know the answer to this, I'd have to be two people at once. But it's interesting to think about.

The other thing.... I want to be short, but I was shocked so I'll blog about it. I was out last week, and a child was crying and whining, I would have though the little girl was tired by her actions. However, her mother strolled her into the corner store telling the child to 'shut up and give her a minute'. First I could not believe she was talking in this manner to her child. The second action knocked the wind out of me completely. She bought a can of pop and a bag of chips. I instantly thought 'a bit early in the morning for so much sugar.... but to each their own.' Then I watched her dig in her purse open a sippy cup and pore the can of pop in the sippy cup!! It took a lot inside of me to keep my mouth shut! She can pollute her body however she see's fit... but a 2-3 year old is trusting it's mother to take care of it's body, and this seemed like abuse to me. I did not say anything but the look on my face was clear, I was livid! This woman payed for her items and left. I paid for the milk I went to buy and left. I walked out of the store and right out side of the door was this woman, opening the bag of chips and pouring half of the bag onto the baby's stroller tray. I still did not say anything. I was walking home and my hands were shaking I was so mad. No she didn't physically abuse her with physical harm, even emotional, although I would never tell my daughter to 'shut up' because she deserves the same amount of respect as any other person; yet the internal abuse to that little girl with the amount of acid, sugar, salt, and everything else is a silent type of abuse that will most definitely ulter her quality AND quantity of life. No, children do not come with books, but to willingly poison a childs body sends red flag up to me. No one is perfect, but some people's actions are plain stupid!

That's all for now, Be blessed & Be the blessing!

Twila

Where to find time...

2009-05-13T06:52:00.000-07:00

I have so much to update, but I've had no time in the last few days to do so. I will update as soon as I get some time, I have not forsaken my blog. I'm headed to my mothers for almost a week going from watching 1 baby, to 1 baby, 2 teenagers, and a pre-teen. On top of that, I need to muster up some cooking skills from somewhere so that they don't starve. And one thing you have to understand about my siblings, is that they tell you exactly what they think even when you wish sometimes it could come out with a little sugar on top. But that is one of the many reasons I love them. Who doesn't like raw honesty?

Anyways... note as to what's coming up (and so I remember what to blog about)
Life & Death.... World's apart from my next door neighbor.
Understanding one another.... is it possible to truly step into someone else's shoes?
Chips & Pop for toddlers...... Parenting Skills 101

p.s Nick comes home tonight! I am so excited to see him tomorrow! He is on his flight as we speak!! :)

Blessings!

Twila

Crash day

2009-05-09T11:59:00.000-07:00

So today is very weird for me.

Emma crawled today. That's awesome to me and I am so proud of her. Then I found out my neighbor, who happens to be my uncles dad just died last evening. And my uncle is obviously taking this hard. He is not a Christian, but keep him in your prayers as it is difficult to lose someone regardless and God can use any situation to make Himself real.

Then my day got crazy. My sister and Rena came over and then I got a knock on the door and it was my aunt. It was high energy, let me tell you. And none of it was me, in fact I ended up getting my feelings hurt a couple of times. Which brings me to this:

I am super emotional today! Kind of like when I was pregnant early on. No, I'm not pregnant, if I were I would not be typing I would be crying my eyes out! There is not enough strength in my body to go through that again... ever!

I just don't understand it. I'm tired, but nothing compared to what it was like with a newborn, so I can't really chalk it up to that. So I don't know, maybe it's the weather.

However I do have to really give single moms a round of applause, because taking care of a baby 24/7 by yourself is NOT easy. When you don't have someone to take the baby so you can have a break or just a time out to regroup, it really gets to you fast. When you're the only one who gets up every night a million times with the baby, it can cause some great frustration. And I have to laugh at myself because.. I'm pretty much at the end of my rope and it's only been 6 days! So I have a new found respect! Especially for those moms (or dads) who do all this PLUS work! I can't even comprehend that. But I am 100% sure the rewards of the hard work are worth it!

As it turns out Emma's hair is getting longer, slowly. But the longer it gets the lighter it gets. The same happened to me when I was younger and I had blonde hair for years until it turned dark. And I think I recall seeing pictures of Nick with light hair as a boy too. The only thing is. it's so fine the camera doesn't pick it up, and I'm afraid soon she will look bald. All that translates to me is bigger bows! ;) Or wigs LOL

Blessings!

Twila

Seek ye FIRST....

2009-05-06T06:57:00.000-07:00

In the book of Matthew chapter 6, Matthew is talking about outward things in someones life. Our humbleness, prayer life, fasting, earthy vs heavenly treasures, and our day to day needs and worries.

I find this passage very encouraging, because in today's society things are so rush and our security is found-for some- in our bank accounts, our possesions, in other people, in how we look, etc. You know the drill. It's in those 'things' that if they were taken from us, we'd feel anxious or maybe a sense of great loss. But can you really be secure in something that can be taken?

I was reading on CNN.com last night and I came across a news story that really broke my heart. A man in South Korea had over $100,000 in the bank, he often put money that he had gotten away in this account because he wanted to purchase his own house one day. Sounds sensible. However, I kept reading, the problem was, this man was homeless. I literally stopped reading. If I had $100, 000 I certainly would not be homeless. However, at the time he opened his account it was legal to have a savings with a made up name. While his money was in there a law was turned so that you had to change the account to your real name in order to access your funds. Obviously you would have to prove your identity. This man for some reason could not do that. And because of this his money was frozen to him. He had stored it in his wisdom to save, yet when he needed it to save his life, he couldn't touch it, it couldn't help him. He was fighting for his right to his money, homeless, and the other day he died in that same state. A man with a large savings account-homeless and starving, seeking his money until his death.

Now I could focus on storing your treasures in heaven like Matthew talks about in Matt 6:19-24, but I'm going to go a different route.

In Matthew 6:33 (KJV) But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.
(NIV)But seek first his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

I like the KJV a lot better, which is translated more closely to the most original text. In both we have the word 'seek' which is defined 'to go in search of or inquest'. When you seek something you are focused on that one thing, your eyes are narrow toward your goal. Just like when you are courting someone, you are seeking them- you don't seek that person as well as all the other guys/girls around.. but it is a focal point. We've all been there.. it seems everything else around us is in fog. That's what we are talking about here.

Now he is saying that if we seek God's kingdom, His will for our lives, our prize of being with Him forever, and who He is in our journey to live in His image, then while we are doing this He will give us what we need and basically be our security.

I should back up, earlier in this passage Matthew is telling us not to worry about what we are going to eat or wear. God provides for the animals of this world, yet He made us in His image to commune with Him, so how much more should He love us and provide for us? He goes on to say the pagans (non Christian) run after these things. But as Christians our provider is HIM.. and he will be faithful IF we seek him FIRST! Not the other way around.

I like the KJV for this verse specifically for this. It says '...these things shall be added unto you'.
The word shall means 'determined to' or 'definitely will'.

So many of us, myself included often times, prefer to stress over our situation, losing sleep, health and many other things trying within ourselves to come up with the things we need and want. We know especially in this hour that we are very limited. Yet- God is saying 'fear not and seek ME... I will not only take your burdons I will provide a way out' This has got to be one of the hardest things to learn as a Christian. It's not always easy seeking God when ourselves get in the way, let alone a pile of needs that we cannot meet. Sometimes the very blame goes to God for that. But once we begin to seek Him because he is good and deserves the gory and praise. He blesses us back because that's the kind of God He is!

I'll just end with the rest of the scripture from Matthew 6 following 6:33. 'Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.' (NIV)

Be blessed! :)

Twila

Husband NOT by my side...

2009-05-05T14:27:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was such a great day! Emma was so good and played by herself for hours! She took a 3 hour nap at noon, and then went to be at 8:00..... or so I thought.
I have been doing spring cleaning and just really simplifying everything. I just hate clutter! So yesterday I took the opportunity to get as much done as fast as I could. By bed time I was exhausted.
As I was walking to bed I was walking so slow making sure I didn't step on that ONE creeky spot in the floor with success... however, I looked over to see if Emma was tucked in still and at the same instant she opened her eyes and smiled. Not one of those 'ok feed me mom and I'll go back to sleep' looks. She played ALL night long. When she finally wanted to eat I thought 'thank God this is it.. sleep'... but as soon as she was done within 5 minutes she was awake again. The night continued like this until 7am. She went to sleep then and slept until 9:30am. How on earth is she surviving on such little sleep.
Today she is a bit crankier than usually... and so am I. lol She did take two naps, a lot shorter than yesterday and I got to rest a bit, but couldn't fall asleep because my head and nose are killing me.
What a very bad time to catch a flu! Today was llllloooonnnngggg!

I miss Nick a lot more now than I thought I would at this point. I really could use his comfort and help with Emma.

And because I nurse Emma I can only take very few medications- which I try to avoid. Kind of like when your pregnant... only you can take less because more things pass through breast milk than they do the placenta. :( So I have been drinking insane amounts of water.

Hopefully Emma will sleep really good for me tonight!

That's about it for today. Regardless, God is good and I am so grateful to be alive today!

Blessings!

Twila

A Good Nights Sleep

2009-05-02T12:42:00.001-07:00

Well, I know this is a touchy subject. If you disagree, that's ok. :) I'm secure with how I parent and can take some constructive criticism.

That said;

I was researching sleeping positions with infants. It seems to always change due to SIDS research and maturing information.

Emma absolutely cannot sleep on her back. I have made her do it since she was born. Within an hour of her birth she learned to roll onto her side and slept like that. Many people have told me to just let her sleep how she is comfortable, and see what happens. Just like any other parenting skills- you don't know for sure what will work until you try.

I started putting her down for naps on her belly, and she had really good naps and would wake up much happier. But still I would not let her sleep the night on her stomach.

Some of you aren't going to like this either. We co-slept together until a few nights ago when I decided it was time for her to move into her own bed. Apparently that's a SIDS factor (co-sleeping)... yet when I researched that there was more information supporting that babies who co-sleep reach milestones faster because of a chemical reaction in the brain caused by their stress level being low by sensing their mother while they sleep. And, not to brag up my baby, but she is further ahead than almost all babies her age that I know. So it seemed to ring true in our situation.

However, if I wouldn't have co-slept it would have prevented me from weaning it. I thought it was going to be very stressful. The first night it did not work out and it took the rest of the night to soothe her. So I decided to let her sleep on her belly last night and I would wake up often to check on her. She didn't wake up once (compared to 5 or 6 times she usually does on her back) She shifted, and move positions, and was completely fine. She didn't wake up crying, she woke up well rested and alert with arms up to be picked up. I could not believe it was that easy. I wish I would have tried it sooner to be honest, but any new parent knows everyone and their dog has something to say about everything.

So many things to decide as a parent(I'll check mine so you can compare):

-formula feed or breast feed (Breast is best for us)

-disposies or cloth (Disposies because I don't have a clothes line to hang out cloth for proper -cleaning from the sun's UV rays)

-fresh food or canned food (fresh food)

-organic clothes or died clothes (I'm poor- died! lol)

-ears pierced or not (No because Nick says she's too young)

-co-sleeping or lone sleeping (Co-sleeping for reasons I explained earlier)

-in room sleeping or own room sleeping (In room for now for my own comfort)

-pacifier or Fingers (She only took a dummy for a day and quit)

I think as parents we need to encourage each other to get to know our individual babies and what we feel is best for THEM.... not what we feel is best for EVERY baby! They all grow and do things at different times, and that is perfectly normal. I think if we all did that there would be less of a competitive spirit around parenting especially mothering. It's fun to hear all about other babies and of course we love talking about how proud we are of our own, but we should SHARE the joy, not be envious or opinionated. I'm sure we will all make mistakes along the way, but there is no perfect way. There is just our own way.

Be happy, be secure, love yourself, love your baby and love the time that seems to fly right on by!

All that to say.. lol.. Emma slept through the whole night! Finally! It's been a long time coming and I hope she continues to do so! And I got a good nights sleep! :)

Oh the world of mommyhood- Just be yourself ladies!! :)

Blessings especially to the mommies with mothers day coming up and all!

Twila

The things we hold dear..

2009-05-02T05:13:00.000-07:00

I was in the car last night waiting for Emma to wake up while Nick was doing measurements for someone and I was just listening to worship music and thinking back on all the Lord has done for me, where I stood now, and where I desire to stand. I've always prayed for God to see my heart and give me my hearts desires as long as they line up with His will for me. If they don't I pray for my desires to be changed so that they will. But this time I just bowed my head and started crying. It's not about ME.. it is never about me. It's about Him. Sometimes I think ahead so I can gather my thoughts before I pray, yet this time it was just coming out of my mouth without thought. What I was saying shocked me and really made me realize what being a Christian is about! In no way am I trying to lift my self up, but only showing you the grace of God in my life in which I am forever grateful.

I was asking for God to break me with what breaks him, let me feel what he feels, see what he sees, hear what he hears, and know His thoughts. This was huge to me! Sometimes I get wrapped up in my own thoughts, hardships, heart ache, etc. And I expect God to meet me where I am and mend my broken heart, when I crush His heart and expect unconditional love regardless.

I was thinking about what I would ever do if I lost Nick or Emma and in my heart I was devistated at the thought. I couldn't bare the thought let alone the pain that would surely consume me. Then it hit me like a pile of bricks... I will lose them one day, they are not mine to keep, but only a part of my life God has given me for a time. But what would I do if I lost God. That was the ultimate terror for me while I was sitting in my car.

When I was 18 I wanted so much of God and I knew my strength and faith were small so in desperation I fell to my knees in my bedroom and pretty much begged God to never let me go, no matter how far I try to run, where I try to hide, what I say- my hearts true desire is Him so never, never let me go. Praise the Lord, He has been faithful to me in this area!

It really put things in line for me. I would give my life for my husband and daughter. But my first love, my purpose to be alive and breath is the Lord.

I used to think hell was terrifying because the bible says it's dark, there is screaming and nashing of teeth, it's called the second death, only you never die. Talk about horror. But the true terror is that there is no hope.... God is not in that place- and that I couldn't bare! Burn me, torture me, do what you will with my body- but don't dare try to take me from God! I think this is what God was showing Satan in the book of Job.... you can have everything taken, which Job did, yet, he still had the God he loved. trusted and lived for. And because of that alone, life was worth living! There was still hope in all that darkness.

I hold many people close to my heart, but the dearest of my heart is the Lord! And it's time I learn His heart!

May Flowers.....

2009-05-01T06:34:00.000-07:00

Happy 1st day of May blog readers!!!! I'm sad to say that it has opened with.... drum roll please.... RAIN! It doesn't surprise me. Might as well get it all over with, because I need this summer to be fabulous with sunshine!

I bought my first post baby bathing suit. After trying on my old ones from a few years ago... well, let just say they don't fit the same in some places! ;p I love it though. I was looking on the racks and I just couldn't figure out what to try on. A 50 year old woman looking for one was giving me some tips. lol She was asking me if I had stretch marks, what kind of support I needed, how old I was. No, she didn't work there. She had just talked to her 22 year old daughter earlier that day to get this years look in bathing suits for body types. Don't ask me how this daughter knows all this.

Apparently. Covering your stomach with a peek showing is more sexy than baring all according to this lady. Mis-matching tops and bottoms are the 'it' thing. No more matchy matchy. String is not in. And if you have hips or thighs try a booty short instead of bikini bottom.

So with this information she literally brought me rack to rack looking. I tried on ALOT and then I found it. It was a tankini top with a bikini style bottom. The top has pattern with brown, pink and white and the bottoms are just a plain white. I couldn't believe it. The exact information the woman's daughter gave her was exactly what I had on and LOVED! And no ties.. I ALWAYS wore tie on bikini's! I just always thought less was more (yeah those teenage years). But I love the more material look for sure.

The Swine flu is no longer being called 'Swine'. Apparently the pigs were upset about that. ;) So it is being called H1N1 by WHO (world health organization).

And it seems that at least one person for each country, state, province has travelled to mexico to bring the virus home all at the same time. Do I believe there is a flu going around, yes, when is there not? The more I hear updates the more I think this is a controlled fear tactic played up by the media and those behind the media. However- they say the victims of the flu are being treated with antibiotics. Ummmm.. medical check here. Since when treat a virus like an infection? Two totally different health problems. Antibiotics do not kill viruses. It's when a virus such as a cold turns into a sinus, throat, lung, etc infection. However they are throwing the words 'mild cases being controlled with antibiotics'. That doesn't make sense. That's just my two sense. I like looking into things and the more I look into about this, the less it seems to hold true compared to what we are being told.

Nick leaves for Japan in a few days. I'm going to miss him a lot!! Like a lot. I wonder if Emma is going to react differently toward him when he returns. We will see.

Alright, that is all for now!! I hope everyone is enjoying the first day of May!!!

Blessings,

Twila

Not loving Huggies Anymore....

2009-04-30T09:21:00.001-07:00

Emma has been a Huggies baby since birth- I swore by them. Now she is springing leaks everywhere, and I'm not just talking urine! Seriously, sometimes I feel like her poop is alive. (feels weird typing 'poop' because it is not a word I use..lol) I will check the front of her diaper and it aways seems totally clean, then when I check again in about a half hour after a lot of grunting it still appears clean. So I often pick her up and then feel wet on my arm, turn here aroumd and the little princess and crowns on her P.J's are no longer pink but yellowish brown! Pretty much up 3/4 of her back! I know, gross, eh? This usually happens when she is sitting in her exersaucer.
However, today after her nap I woke up and she was soaked. She pee'd right on through the sides of her diaper. I don't understand what is going on. They fit her, we put them on her snug, and still we have quite a few messy diapers to clean. Not that I mind a messy diaper, but it is getting to be annoying!
I'm just a little sad that her huggies days are over. I hate pampers because they all around suck. They don't hold pee well, the feel damp through the clothes when the diaper isn't even half full.
So I am trying out Life brand (Shoppers Drugs Store) So far so good! And $10 cheaper! Yet, I'm still upset about the Huggies!

I just wanted to point out that Emma does not always wear a bow. As much as I like them on her, I DO give her the au natural look. Usually in her P.J's.

That said, next topic of the day. She is learning to crawl a bit.. first phase I guess it would be.. where she pushes herself with her feet to the places she needs to go and rolls the rest of the way to swing herself about. However, I noticed the other day she was kicking her feet while she was on her stomach and then turning over to look at them, then she'd try it all over again. I had no idea what she was doing. I thought 'man, does she ever love her feet!!!' But when I changed her into bare feet PJ's she did the same kicking the floor motion and her bare feet grasped the floor and she would push to move. So I put two and two together and figured out that the ones with feet SLIP.. she can't move with those ones. Even the ones with skids:

Ain't she a beauty? No bow ;)

Now that she can move better with bare feet I notice she has an easier time getting herself up to her knees because it helps her brace the floor. So if your baby is nearing the crawling stage.... bare feet it and see what happens.

Whats with the flu going around anyways. I think the media is making it sound so much more insane than it really is. Every year new strains of the flu go around AND many people die from it. So why is this one so different? The flu is always all over the world. I think they are playing on society's fear for some greater reason. That's just my theory!

Hope everyone is safe and healthy and remains so!
Blessings!

Twila

Now that was fast!

2009-04-27T05:53:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned below, Emma had what I thought to be two teeth coming in. One came through on Friday which was a real pain for her all that day as well as the day before. Saturday the other one made it's appearance. I would post a picture but she does not let me hold down her lip to get a good look. The second one came up in her sleep. It didn't seem to be as bad, she woke a few extra time during the night to nurse, but that was the extent of it. She seems to be so much happier now. Not having little temper outbreaks like she was. I can actually put her down to play and she won't cry to be held. Obviously, we are far from over this teething era, but I am glad she gets a little break between every set of two.

I have to write about my new (well used really) couch set. I love taking on projects to see exactly what I can create and prove to my high school art teacher that no, the good Lord wasn't tired when he was creating my creativity. I'm still working on finding my 'wow' factor. So I sold my sectional couch and bought a love seat and long sofa on kijiji. Now I have to tell you, they were not selling it for living room furniture, it was more like for a summer cottage. Aka-not in mint condish if you get what I'm saying ;) However, I decided I was going to 'fix it up'. BIG problem...it didn't fit in our apartment. So after a few days and a very strong uncle and husband it got in. No- not in the living room... the front entrance/foyer. It would not fit through the door to get in the living room. So after a very long time we decided to take an arm off and try it that way. During this time my little brother showed up to visit. And they got it in the living room. So now we just have to put the couch back together. All that for my project of sewing new covers for the cushions. LOL The good news is, it's the most comfortable couch ever!!! And it fits great with the design of my living room. Very homey! Now I need to find the perfect material!

Other than that, Nicks graduation went very well and the weather was amazing. I was and am so proud. It was good to see so many people from when I was there, it's sad that now everyone will be so far away. But onward and upward, eh? It was a very good weekend for the whole family!! Congrats again babe- so proud!!

Blessings,

Twila

Two Teeth

2009-04-23T14:48:00.000-07:00

I knew Emma was starting to cut teeth because she has been pulling on her ears a lot and the Dr. said she does not have an infection. However today her front gums have swelled up and the top of her gum has become see through where the teeth are breaking through. She is constantly chewing on everything and when she doesn't have some 'thing' in her mouth her fingers are there. I feel for her, I don't like being in pain any more than she does. I know I am in for months worth of pain as they all slowly come in and then fall out and then come in again.

----------------------------------

Ok, that was written on Thursday and I forgot to post it.

Today (Friday) her first tooth came out!!! Her bottom right one and I know the other one will be out very very soon too. I'm so proud that she is taking the pain rather well.

Now I havea baby with a tooth... she's like a little human with a tooth. LOL.. well she is.. but I mean.. she is growing up right in front of my face!!

Well thats all folks, I am going to bed because I have a lot to do tomorrow- Nick GRADUATES!!!

Twila

Rain now sunshine later!

2009-04-22T05:27:00.000-07:00

If anyone knows where I can buy a clear deep umbrella (European kind) please let me know because the origianal ones don't really do justice.

When it rains, it pours here in the city of Saint John. It is very wet and dark here. I hope it is just a Spring thing this year. I do like rain because it makes the green really green and fresh, but last year it continued right through the summer, or so it seemed from Ont.

We are gearing up for Nick's graduation this weekend, should be lots of fun. There is so much going on, from brunches to lunches, rehersals, etc. And then a week later he heads to Japan for a short term missions trip. He's really excited and God has really opened doors for him lately, it's amazing to see.

Emma loves natural flavored water, she drinks it from her little sippy cup like a big girl (the plus side about her not willing to take a bottle is one less thing to break her from). So I though she would probably like watermelon as well. So I bought her a fresh fruit teether; you open it and put a piece in and close it up. It is a mesh so that chunks do not get through. And she chews on it to press small amounts through, and sucks on it for all the juice. I'm going to freeze some blocks of it so that when her teething gets worst she has relief and a little treat to make her feel better. What a great thing, I highly suggest everyone get one for their teething babies, or just for a safe way to introduce fresh fruit. :)

I've also found a way to help her sleep better. She has never been a swaddle baby, in fact she has always hated being covered, she will kick everything off her. However, last night she would not stay asleep, she seemed restless, so I swaddled her up tight so she could not move around. Nick picked her up to rock her to sleep and she fell asleep almost instantly and stayed alseep in her crib for hours. When I heard her crying at around 5am I noticed she had gotten her arms out of the swaddle,so I think I need to wrap her tighter tonight. She is such a cuddle bug I think that's why she has such trouble sleeping by herself in her crib, however this must make her feel more secure! I'm glad I tried this method!

That's all for now, I hope everyone is have a GREAT day!

Twila

Worst Mommy Opps Thus Far! :(

2009-04-21T08:12:00.001-07:00

If I had to rate myself on a scale of 0-10, 0 being worst mom ever and 10 being fantastic mom, I would have said 10..... up until last eveing.

My husband and I were out buying diapers and some tylenol for Emma since she had just gotten a shot earlier that day that seemed to be giving her some grief. Nick usually parks further back in the parking lot in case I want to stay in the car and nurse Emma. Which in this case, that's exactly what I wanted to do. I got my things together and got out of the car since I was sitting in the passenger side next to Nick. I took m y time to shut the door lightly so that it wouldn't startle Emma. As soon as I shut the door I instantly heard the whole car automatically lock. I turned around, surely this was not happening, I didn't bring my car keys with me and Nick was in the store. My mind was going a million miles an hour wondering what to do. Do I leave her there and run to Nick- in the middle of my thought I looked in the window and HIS keys were still in the car. I locked the keys and Emma in the car. Cue Tears! I could not believe what I had just done. I saw a guy pull into the parking lot about 8 spaces away from our car and I ran over to him and asked him to go and page my husband in the store, and that I locked my baby in the car. He stalled as though he was thinking about if he wanted to do it or not. Obviously if he said no I would be in jail right now, and since I am not, we can assume he did, right?
It seemed like eternity before I saw my husband running to the car. Asking what was wrong. I told him and he was calm. (Inside my mind I was trying to figure out which window I could break that wouldn't cause harm to Emma.)
Nick ran back inside to call a tow truck because our cell phone was not charged. I was constantly talking to Emma, and got one of her books out of my purse and tried to read it to her through the window. She had the saddest look on her face with tears running down her face. I know she knew something was NOT right. Which broke my heart. I hate feeling helpless!
The tow truck was on it's way, apparently he was right around the corner but time was crawling to me. Random people were driving over asking if I needed help/phone/anything... and it just made me feel worse. Some even sat in their cars and watched what was happening the whole time.
Finally the tow truck came (about 10 minutes since the call) and opened the door within a minute. I don't think I have ever gotten Emma out of her carseat and into my arms faster since she had been born. I didn't want to let her go, I just kept saying sorry. So we took her shopping and let her pick out a couple of toys and an outfit and she got to cuddle with me all night in my attempt to seek forgiveness. Obviously trying to make myself feel better too ;) And Nick is grateful my plan to smash a window didn't come to be.

Nick brought to my attention that it could have been much worse. It was 4 degrees out and the tow was only 10 minutes to arrive. (highly rare for a tow to get anywhere that fast in this city) And it COULD have been 25 degrees and taken the usual 45 min for the tow.

I hope this never happens again!!

Twila

All Over Again

2009-04-21T07:51:00.000-07:00

Oh gosh, I lost all my log-in info to my more recent blog and my email....so I have to start this whole process again. I'll write this info down. LOL Classic! If you want to catch up it won't take you long... you can read and see pictures of me and my family here -> http://www.crozview.blogspot.com/ Bare with me ;)

Twila